The fog is lifting

Before I write anything, I want to state that I am OK. Nothing awful is happening in my life. Nothing awful has happened. Nothing horrible looms on the horizon. There is no drama here.

Having said that, I feel like I have been living in a fog for a long time. Three or four years maybe. A fog that silently rolled in unnoticed circling my ankles and building until it covered my world. It was a fog that at times allowed a few feet of visibility, and at times distorted and engulfed everything beyond my reach. A fog that put a hazy distance between me and the rest of the world. A fog that distorted the obstacles I stumbled into, but didn't lessen the pain of the collision. A fog that penetrated. When that fog started to lift, my senses became overwhelmed with the brilliant colors and sharp details of my world. Until I saw clearly, I didn't realize how distorted my view had been. That's where I am. Waking up to the brilliance of life as the fog dissipates and slowly rolls away.

I'm not trying to speak so metaphorically, but my words just can't seem to capture the essence of "the fog" I am talking about. Was it depression, baby blues, social anxiety, despair, morning, insecurity, regret, doubt, loosing faith??? It was not really any of these, but maybe just a tad of all of these.

Mostly I think it was fear. Subconscious fear. Fear that I was not being what I needed to be for God, my family, and my friends. Fear that I couldn't be strong enough, good enough or smart enough to do what I needed to do in life. Fear that Rob was working way too hard, for way too long, with no relief in sight. Fear that Kolby's reading disorder was going to haunt her for the rest of her life. Fear that Rhett's temper and grumpiness were going to someday get the better of him. Fear that I am too old and too tired to be the mother baby Ella Kate needs now and will need. Financial fears. Physical fears. Emotional fears. Spiritual fears. They were all there. Living large beneath the surface. In my head. Influencing my every thought. And I didn't even realize it. I didn't want to realize it. I wanted to be happy and positive and not let anyone, including myself, know how much fear I held in my heart.

But God wouldn't let it go. He wouldn't let me stay in denial. He didn't want me to live in a fog of fear. He made it painfully clear that I was making a choice to stay in the fog while he was giving me every opportunity to rise above it. A comment from Rob, a question from a friend, a concern voiced by a family member, a blog post, a sermon, a song on the radio, an episode of Oprah, a book, a scripture, an opportunity here, an invitation there... God used all these things to show me the fog that surrounded me and to show me the way out of it. He is still showing me that way, and I am slowly learning. The fog is lifting.

There are some lessons that have really helped me in this process. These lessons/ truths either hit like lightening or came as a whisper and grew to a roar. Lessons that can't be summed up in a sentence or paragraph on paper, but are true and real when lived out. I am going to try my best to describe these lessons/truths, knowing my words just don't do them justice.

Gratitude is the opposite of fear. Real, true gratitude. Gratitude that does more than say thank you and go on. This gratitude seeks and finds the blessing. It focuses so intently on the blessings that the fears and negatives fade off to the side. Gratitude heals. Gratitude believes that with God all things really are possible. Gratitude, true, deep, deliberate gratitude, is the best way to counter fear and defeat it.

I can't let guilt or regret set up housekeeping in my heart. When guilt knocks on the door of my heart, I should greet it with my hand on the door. I should listen to what it is telling me once. I should acknowledge it, thank it for coming and giving me insight, and close the door. I should NEVER invite guilt in. Guilt never stops talking and never leaves unless I throw it out. Guilt and regret can be positive forces when I use them to catapult myself beyond a bad choice or situation. Other than that, I have to stay away from them for I give them too much influence if they linger in my life.

Every thought/choice counts. If I want to be all that God intends me to be, I do not have the luxury of letting my self dwell on my mistakes, the things I have lost, or the injustices I have suffered. The things I dwell on and the thoughts I choose to think determine more of what I become than things that happen to me that are out of my control. Bad things will happen to everyone. More bad things happen to some than others. Life is not fair. Dwelling on that injustice will not make life better for anyone. Keeping score will not make my score higher. Anytime I let my focus stray from what is good, noble and right or anytime I loose focus of God's blessings and love for me, I hurt myself. I also hurt those around me. CONVERSELY, anytime I dwell and focus on God, I am improving my life and being a positive force in the lives of those around me. I choose my focus. I select which thoughts I let go of and which thoughts I claim and act on. Every choice counts.

God's love has no expiration date. It's never too late. I'm never too far gone. God's love never goes stale or looses it strength. It can be called upon at anytime of the day or night, in any season of life. No matter what my hearts temperature, stone cold or battling the fires of loss and pain, God's love soothes and regulates. He is the balm. His grace nourishes the malnourished and replenishes the depleted. His strength enables the weak. His love covers the unlovable. It is never too late.

There are more. But these are the ones I can give words to now. I am writing this post for purely selfish reasons. I needed to write it down. I needed to have a record of what He is teaching me so that I can read it when I start to forget or doubt. I needed give physical form to the spiritual emotions and thoughts God has used to instruct and bless me. If something he has given me helps you in your journey, the blessings are multiplied.

Please don't worry about me or feel badly for my struggle. That is not the point of this post. If you feel compelled by anything I have written here, just thank God for the lessons. Thank God that for me the fog is lifting!