The lies we live with...

Back published on 8-3-07 I started this post a few months ago. It started out as a comment on my preacher's blog but quickly became too long. I have come back to it several times. God has been using it to teach me something. I had decided not to publish it but have changed my mind. Few will never read this as I am going to back publish it. But if you are reading, let me warn you that this post is long and rough. It was more of an exercise to sort out my feelings than to tell my story. It's here for me as a reminder and a worksheet of sorts. Read on if you feel so moved.


When I was two years old I had surgery to repair a kidney/reflux problem. At age 12, I had a second surgery to repair a reflux problem with the other kidney. The surgery was in the summer after my 6th grade year. Sixth grade was worst year in my school career, my childhood and maybe even my life. It was bad.

Though I have loved and been inspired and encouraged by so many of my teachers, my 6th grade teacher was a mean woman. She should never have been allowed to work with children. Before my surgery, I had frequent kidney infections and bladder spasms. I had to go to the restroom allot. My teacher however only allowed us to go to the restroom twice a day. After I had an "accident" and went home in tears, my teacher got a note from my doctor saying I had to be allowed to go "at will" for medical reasons.

My teacher let me go "at will" from the on, but not with out punishment. No one was going to get around her rules with out facing the consequences, medical excuse or not. For the rest of the year I had to write my name on the front chalk board and put a mark by it every time I went to the restroom. For every mark past 2, I had to sit out 5 minutes of recess. I don't remember anything but sitting on the bench or being made to write sentences in the classroom during recess after that. There may have been days when I didn't, but I don't remember them.

My teacher would also hold me out of specials like PE and Music. She announced to my class from time to time that she thought I was faking my illness for attention and that she doubted anything was really wrong with my kidneys. She said I was one of those kids who made trouble and then tried use illness or excuses to get out it. Don't get me wrong. I was not a perfectly mannered angelic child, but I wasn't a devil either.

I didn't tell my parents about many of the things my teacher said and did until after the school year was over. I'm not sure why but I think it was because I was ashamed of always being in trouble at school. Not even staying home from school when sick helped me escape my teacher. When I went back she would make me do twice the work done in my absence as make-up work. I would work through recess, specials and for hours at home and still not finish. For the first time in my school career I made bad grades. I had always been in the highest reading and math groups but she moved me to the low. bgl group. I had never been in trouble at school before, (well except for talking too much from time to time) but was branded by her as a trouble maker. Though I was never once was sent to the principals office in 6th grade, I was forever being punished by my teacher for going to the bathroom too much, being absent, crying when she humiliated me, and for not finishing the mountain of extra work she gave me to do for my absences or time in the bathroom.

I hated school and anyone associated with it. I cried every morning and even threw-up once or twice while walking the long sidewalk to her classroom. I was scared all the time. When I did tell my Mom a few things she met with the school counselor. My teacher had the counselor snowed and told her I was just over sensitive and exaggerating. The counselor pulled me out of class a few times a week for "self esteem lessons. " I was always so happy to get away from that woman that I didn't complain further for fear I would not get to go to the counselor anymore.

My parents had no idea how bad it was for me until the summer of my surgery when parents of my friends told my parents that their children had come home with awful stories of how my teacher treated and talked about me. The saddest part is that after repeatedly hearing my teacher say that I was faking and over exaggerating my kidney symptoms to get around her rules, part of me started to believe her lies. I knew I didn't do anything on purpose, but for years I wondered if accidentally I really did over react to my kidney infections and cause myself to have an unnecessary and expensive surgery. I knew she was a mean old liar who hated life and really didn't like me, but for some irrational reason I was afraid she might have right about me in some way.

Just last week I was telling my Mom how I wondered if I over reacted and caused my second surgery. Her jaw almost hit the floor. She had no idea I had ever believed anything that teacher said to me. Mom explained that I had to have the surgery because of what my doctors saw on my x-rays, not because I complained about my frequent kidney infections. My left ureter had stopped growing. You can't fake an x-ray or will your ureters to stop growing. It wasn't my fault. Even though it has been 25 years since I was a 6th grader, learning the surgery was really not my fault still came as a relief.. I had lived with that mean teachers lie for 25 years.


Though I can't say that her lies ruined my life, it did hurt my belief in myself at a very fragile age. She was able to plant seeds of doubt with in me about my character and my abilities. She forever tainted my feelings towards school. I'm not sure I ever really trusted another teacher again. There were times when bad things happened or I messed up (as most kids do at some time or other) and I would hear her saying I was a bad kid, a trouble maker, a fake. Luckily I had lots of other voices that told me I was not any of these things. I have a family that loved me no matter what. I had a God who is not only my judge but who loves me. I grew up being taught that Jesus died because he knew that no human could be good enough to earn their own salvation, so he paid our price. That's such an important aspect of Christianity to ingrain in a kid like I was. I tended to beat myself up over my mistakes and felt I could never be good enough

When I look back at what I went through in 6th grade with adult eyes, I am proud I was able to bounce back. I left 6th grade and my elementary school and started fresh in Jr High the next year. I had a great 7th grade year. When I made all A's several six weeks in a row, I sent my 6th grade teacher a copy of my report card and told her she was wrong about me. After my Mom realized all that had happened, she talked to school officials about the teacher and years later refused to work on the same campus with her. But the teacher still taught for many years after I had her. I hadn't thought much about that mean old teacher in a long time.

Through adult eyes however, I feel sorry for the woman. How miserable her life must have been for her to be so mean to a 12 year old good student with kidney problems. To have abused her power as a teacher and to have been so controlling of her students every move, she must have felt very powerless and out of control in her own life. But what really saddens me is something my 6th grade teacher's own son told my mother years later. He said that his mother was the meanest woman to ever walk the earth. His own mother! Evidently I wasn't the only person to fall victim to her sharp tongue and cruel discipline.

Since Mom assured me my kidney surgery was legit, I have thought allot about my teacher. For the first time ever the thought struck me that this woman could not have had any type of positive relationship with God. Knowing God and loving Jesus does not make you mean. That realization surprised and convicted me.

God has really used the memory of this woman to speak to my heart. Even though I think I did the best I could at age 12 to handle this teacher, as I grew up I missed the opportunity to show her God's love. In thinking about it, I realize I may have missed many God given opportunities to show his love. How many times in my life have I written someone off after they hurt me? As a christian who has been given this incredible gift of love, sacrifice, grace and forgiveness from my Savior, have I reflected that to people who hurt me or rub me the wrong way? Do I really love people as I should? Before now I never once prayed for this teacher. I never once cared about her. All I have ever felt for her is anger and spite. I'm not 12 anymore, and haven't been for a long time.

This post started out being about my mean teacher's lie that I lived with for 25 years. It has become much more than that. It has made me examine my feelings and actions towards people who have hurt me in life. It has made me see them as not just as mean, but as lost and flawed and human. People JUST LIKE ME! God is showing me that I have also lived with the lie that it is OK to harbor ill will and maybe even hatred towards those who are unjust. Recently I have been drawn to scriptures that talk about forgiveness and praying for your enemies. I didn't know why. But I think I do now.

I don't know if this teacher is still alive. I ran a search on her through the archives of my hometown newspaper but found nothing. She is not listed in the directory. She would be pretty old by now I think. And if I find out she is alive, and I find her address, I'm not sure what I would do. Write a letter? What would I say? Is there something God would want me to tell her? Would my forgiving her make any difference in her life? I may never know the answers to these questions. Unless God wants me too. Then I know I will.

In the mean time, I have and do pray that over the years my teacher made peace with whatever turned her so mean. I hope she eventually came to know God's love and it changed her. I hope her son was able to move past what she did and reconnect with her. I am shocked to have feelings of both dread and hope for this woman who I have not liked most of my life. I can't believe I care and yet I can't believe I never cared until now. I can't even be mad at her. WOW! God is so good to be able to turn my feelings around that way! If he can change my heart towards this woman, his love can change ANYTHING! And I guess that is the truth I need to remember despite what ever lies life throws my way.