I love my church. My whole life I have been an active and willing church member. Lately though I seem to want a little distance from church. There is nothing wrong with my church family. I have great friends and family there. I love our preacher. There are lots opportunities to be involved. My kids and husband love our church. We know we belong there. But truth in blogging... Sometimes I feel sort of distant from church. Sometimes I don't want to go. Even when I know I need to go. Even when I feel like I need to draw nearer to the Father. Even when I know everyone there loves me and wants nothing but the best for me... Part of me just dreads church. Why is this? It seems that when I need God the most, I am most intimidated and least likely to want to go to church.
Is it just me or does anyone else feel most exposed when at church? I truly do not think it has anything to do with my church family, but church is sometimes where I feel the most vulnerable, the most guilty, the most self loathsome, and the most unworthy. I know that God, my Church leaders, and my friends and family at church do not want want me to feel this way. I know this is a struggle I have to come to terms with because I need to be involved and active in the body. I know that I am the only one who can talk myself in to or out of the church doors. However, knowing all this does not always help me want to go to church. Have you ever felt this way? What do you do?
Now please, if you go to my church don't phone the elders or Jim or worry that I am going to drop off the roll or out of the pews. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want ot go anywhere else. I just think that as Christians we can't always paint our lives in Pollyanna tones and act like we never struggle with parts of our faith. I struggle with this. I am struggling with this now. I love my God, and I love my church, but I struggle with my attitude towards going sometimes.
I share this because I do not think I am alone. In fact, in talking with some friends recently, I think that there are quite a few people (not just in my church or even denomination, but in all churches) who struggle with this. I know that many people love everything about church and have never struggled with anything like this. This post is not for those people. But, I also know that there are many people reading this who love their churches and have dealt with this before. No church bashing please, that is not the point here. I am just asking what do you do when you feel yourself struggling with church?
Just a reminder, anon. comments are allowed here! Saying a prayer that I don't regret this post!!! Too much truth in blogging?? We'll see!
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Church
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12 comments:
Bryon and I were having this discussion just this morning. He was talking about a sermon that Jim preached recently and how wonderful it was. I replied that I don't think I have heard more than 1/4 of a sermon in the past 6 months.
Sometimes I feel like I spend 1 1/2 hours on Sunday morning scrubbing children, packing bags, trying to look presentable myself only to spend "church time" nursing a baby or taking children to the bathroom. I also feel like we blow and go all week and sometimes I secretly wish I could have a more relaxing morning. Is this sacrilege? I used to be envious of my Catholic relatives who went to church on Saturday night to "get it over with" but I feel horribly guilty feeling this way. I love God with all my heart and need to be reminded what a blessing it is to be able to worship him freely.
I also miss Ladies Class. I felt like it was a wonderful time to fellowship with other Christian mothers and have small group all in one. Why don't we start that again?
You are not alone in your struggle with church-going! A number of my friends have talked with my husband and me about not always feeling motivated about getting up on Sunday mornings to attend the assembly. Most mornings we go; every once in awhile, we stay home. We always skip class and only go to worship; it's just too hard for us to do both with a one-year-old. We don't go on Wednesday nights. And I can't say I feel really guilty about it...I have too many other things to feel guilty about these days...
I was thinking about this yesterday. Chad's a youth minister, so we are at the building every time the doors are open -- sometimes we don't even think about it. We just get up and go. But sometimes I find it quite draining. Not just getting our girls up and dressed and all that, but I take the problems in our youth group personally and that leaves me emotionally exhausted. Yesterday we came home from church and I went to bed and didn't go anywhere the rest of the day. It's not one teen in particular, it's just that a few of them have really big problems and it's such a helpless feeling watching someone you care about doing every they can to self-destruct. Yesterday I kept thinking, "If youth ministry doesn't drive me to drinking, I don't know what will." I think it's natural to need a break sometimes.
Thank you for this post, SG. I too struggle with this. I ask myself, "since when do I not like organized religion, what is my problem??" I too struggle with getting everyone ready, scrambling around, etc. I also have some mornings at church where I just dont want to talk to anyone much. Sometimes I get selfish and just want to take what I can from service without discussing next week's plans or making lunch plans with others. Our church is also a good 30 minutes away and I sometimes ask myself why we dont just go to one of these booming community churches in our neighborhood. Am I ministering to my immediate world going to church 30 minutes away? That is a whole other story, I guess. I am thinking we all must struggle with this on some level. I admire my folks for never complaining and taking us 3/times a week. Whoa. Anyway, thank you for your candid-ness. We gotta blog about it all. I no longer feel alone on this!
I totally understand where you are coming from. When my children were small I thought that when they could get ready themselves this would no longer be an issue. Yet here I am, an empty nester, and I still don't always want to go. I don't want to open myself up to let anything out or to let anything in. I sometimes question what I am doing there, when my heart is not in it. And it seems that the harder I try to grow in my spiritual walk these thoughts fill my mind with greater frequency. I guess the words "pressing on" means that it does require an effort on our part, and things that cause growth generally cause discomfort.
Thanks for being real. I needed that today. Sometimes I feel like a big fat phony.
I relate to what Elizabeth said. Taking two active boys to church is a challenge and sometimes feels pointless. I can't concentrate on the sermon and they don't care about it. It is better when Mark is there, of course.
Also, I have a dear friend who has quit going altogether. She says she is tired of all the people who act pious when she knows better. We need to be honest and "real" at church too.
I will say this..we rarely miss Sunday school and never skip church. Even if my heart is not in it, I think it is important for the children to learn the Bible stories and realize that this is a VERY important part of our lives. We worship God all week but we get to be with our church family every Sunday. I want this ritual woven into the fiber of their beings.
Great comments so far.
Let me make myself very clear. We all need to go to church. We need to go regularly. We should make it a pattern, an example, a family event. There is no question in my mind wether I should go to church or not.
My question here is what have you done to get yourself to church when it is the last place on earth that you want to be?
I have talked to so many people recently who used to go to church or who "hit and miss" go to church. I feel myself wanting to lapse into that category from time to time... but why? I went to church 3 times a week my whole life... even in college. (well,for the most part) As Elizabeth so eloquently put it, church going was woven into my fiber!
I am not saying that I think it is OK to skip church regularly at all. I am just asking what gets you in the door when you don't want to go?
It's hard to go when you don't want to go if you're going for yourself (and I'm not saying that you are) but when you are commited to serving as a teacher or a worship team member of a Communion server, etc. then the commitment alone might get you in the door - it works for me! Once I'm there I always feel better. I just need to be motivated!
I too find that involvment in the teaching dept. gets me more motivated. "Planting the seed" in the little one's hearts is an excellent motivator. Like Beaner, once I am there I am always blessed. But when I am not teaching, I remind myself that I will be blessed and hopefully others will be blessed by me dragging myself up and at 'em.
Yes, the getting ready is sooo hard, as several have mentioned. However, we are blessed to go to a church that takes care of our children for us while we're there, and teaches them for us while we're there, so if we can just GET there and GET them to their classes and childrens' worship, we have almost 3 hours to just worship and BE with our church family and interact. And I'm pretty real with a large circle of folks ... having been there five years now is a blessing, because I've been able to seek out those who can handle my "realness" and several who can dish out some of their own. "Going to church" is the highlight of my week, and I hate to miss it, ever. I usually feel pretty down when I do miss. If I don't feel down, well, the kids do, and they let me know it.
And it's not just a social club for me. I'm not like that, though I wish I could get to know more of the newer folks. We're growing so fast it's just impossible. But that's why we have lifegroups, and I'm so thankful for my lifegroup -- now THERE's a place I can be real for sure, and a SAFE place.
And what gets me in the door when I don't feel like going? My childrens' tears. My desire to see that friend that is hurting that I know needs encouraging specifically from me. My awareness that, if I don't go, I will be emotionally lower than I would've been.
But every now and again I have times where I am too low to go, where I know I won't be good for seeing people ... sometimes I send the family with Rob and stay home. Those days are pretty rare, but when they come I try to spend some time in worship, alone ... and usually some time in tears.
What Clarissa said.
No really, I have been chewing on this for a while because I was trying to figure out how to say what I was thinking... and Clarissa pretty much nailed it.
It's not too often I don't want to go to church. If I do, something is wrong with me. For me, Sunday mornings is one of 2 highlights of my week; the other is a small group of sisters whom I read and pray with. Sunday afternoons is a different story... we are spending from noon to 5 working on LTC stuff, making time at the building an 8-5 affair.
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